A final answer to a mother’s attempt to lie, by Angel Brynner.

The situation that sprung the songs for Exile has continued on. Until today.
I am posting this after sending it to her upon getting a diatribe post from her trying
to deny she did what this post is about in 2000. Many will not understand WHY i have done this in this manner. But there are many who will. From now on, my attention is focused on those that get it.
***************************************************************************************
“& it’s so funny now. In hindsight. Every single Trifling,horrible thing you have said & done towards me since i was a little kid? every thing that echoes & cancels out ANY good you’ve done? It has already slammed back into you.

& I always KNEW you knew what S was doing to me.

That You told me to my face that you knew it & that i deserved it in 2000-is  the most honest to me you have ever been. But guess what?

It didn’t matter to you when it was me.
You were just in mean girl mode instead of Mother mode.
It was OK,whatever when it was just me?well. too bad it Never WAS Just Me.
YOU destroyed your OWN family.

IF you had been a MOTHER to me?Instead of a hater,pissed off at a three year old playing in your makeup like little girls do– Not ONLY would i-your three year old DAUGHTER not been raped & molested by her aunt & your son,.YOUR PRECIOUS SON would have also not been repeatedly raped by them. You lil turk may have never “went autistic” for those years. Your husband may have Never cheated on you w/your best friend-

It ALL was happening at the same time.
& you were probably”talking to God” then too.

which is the reason i am being so blunt with you right now.

you are 63 years old. you do Not have time to play this game.

You have shouted from the rooftops for decades now how “TOXIC” i am. positioned me as the liar for years. How much Pain have YOU caused, then Pisces ‘woe-is-me’  & prescription pill blocked out?

& then YOU want to snarl at me? when it has ALWAYS been ME forgiving YOU, reaching out- trying to rebuild connections with You as you preened like a princess, rewriting cover letters so you could get better jobs-

I do pray for you. I HAVE to.For a very long time It was Nothing BUT the Grace of Jesus- the Literal, Living Person- has stopped me from returning onto you what you deserve.many times over.

& He -He is someone that i had to go have someone objectively TEACH me about so that my trampled POV wouldnt be the final answer in dealing with you, so i could try to at least FIX the shit that pockmarked my life due to what you allowed.

But Yes. YOU? You should be TERRIFIED when you see people dropping like flies around you.especially your age, running like you do. Yes, it makes UTTER sense that your peace is shaken by 7 deaths in 2months. Yes, how your niece handled Gladys Should give you pause.

Because when you DO die, the God who KNOWS what you did to me out of twisted,spoiled pettiness- who KNOWS what ALL your children-even the two you actually “LOVE”- have spent their life privately fighting against because of things YOU Opted not to do- is going to be right there holding you accountable.& he is not going to listen to your false cries of “i didnt” that i wont even waste my time angrily dismissing. Because he was in the room with us when it went down.& i wasnt even Saved yet. But he’d started saving me in Japan then sent me back to yall right when gramma happened to get ill.
Jesus stepped in & saved me to keep me from doing the things you lied & told the cops i did to that house you turned around and lost.
Your ONLY hope is the actualized Blood of Jesus that remits sins.
because YOU have violently sinned against me as a child,& with every coverage attempt as an adult. ALL of you.
Your Parents- the ones in Heaven, not in that graveyard you look out on- Are the ONLY reason i even broached the subject of you Actually getting a Working relationship with Jesus going. Because Just like they got to see each Other when they got home, they Want to see you.& because of what you Let me be subjected to,then Bragged about directly TO me decades later-whether you Block it out or not-it’d be better for a gristmill to be tied around your neck & you to be tossed in the sea than to face God…WITHOUT the ACTUAL SAVING GRACE OF JESUS CHRIST.
& you need to find someone to TEACH YOU ABOUT him. Jesus.
YOU do not have the time to fight with me. Because i cant.
My relational agreements with you are officially Over.
It has almost ended my life with him having me talk to you at all due to the depths to which i am unwilling to go as you lie to yourself & whoever else will listen like you used to tell people i did. That’s how much shit has been kicked up over you crying out.
Find someone else around you who is truly a christian to get you in a bible study so you can work out your own salvation with Jesus, in an applicable fashion.
Fuck this woe is me shit. You KNOW who you are talking to.
I talked your mother into staying another year so You could cope.
FOR YOU. I’m the one you called when your ex-husband had his heart attack. You KNOW how i am on death. i am not telling you this for my health. I am not speaking to you to hurt you.
i am telling you…
to get your shit in order so you can actually go home instead of to hell.
Because i have been there. When i killed myself over your”i want you to talk to your aunt” mess a year after brother’s “surprise announcement” while i was up at FIT.  & They brought me back against my will.
YOU cannot last there. but it will be an eternity all the same.
NO ONE ELSE CAN DO THIS FOR YOU.
woe is me is not going to cut it.
clouding up is not going to cut it.
“i have problems with pastors” is a bullshit No in a situation where you dont have the option of acting like its not one. Pastors aren’t GOD. & if you thought that at 10,you KNOW BETTER NOW.
THIS is about living LIFE.the right church is like grad school.
its something YOU invest in, to learn How to apply this belief in God you have to LIFE.
It’s where you go to Learn how to TELL when the Devil is coming up against your very lifeforce in very specific ways, and HOW to stand accordingly.
YOU have to do the work.it doesn’t happen by osmosis..
YOU have to do the work.
I’m not even asking you for an apology.
i dont need it.
I dont need one.
& i am marveling at that realization right in this moment.
i was Never the bad kid yall put upon me as being.
i was Never that liar that yall told people i was so Yall could keep climbing.
WB was right.it would’ve been easier if”i’d just turned out a lesbian” after what happened to me. But that wasnt God’s plan. Thank god.
but its okay.
it actually, really is.
I have no fear of death.
He says Honor your mother & father.
THIS-

me telling you to cut the melodramatic crying game and get your house in order so you can See your parents again WHEN it is time…is the only way i CAN do that right now.”

SISTERFRIEND(cloud of witnesses), a song for EXILE by Angel Brynner8.10.13

(the echo continues on piano, but strings build it out a little bit more, and the keys are more defined, but still completely secondary to the timbre of the woman’s voice.honestly, it sounded like Beyonce singing it in the dream. a soft, fragile yet firm version of her voice, empathetic in the hurt,yet at same time not letting what did the hurt get away with it.)

you know that i can hear your voice

you know that i can see your heart

i know you’re going to make it through

i know you’re going to be alright

(do you knoow~)

you know that i can hear your heart

you know you’re going to make it through

just keep on listening to my voice

and know i walk along with you

(and you know~)

you know that i can feel your thoughts

and what was done it was not right

i know you’re going to make it through

you’re going to make it through this night

(oh, you now~)

i know that you can hear my voice (giiirl, you knooow~oh)

i know you’re going to be alright (yes, i know~)

just keep on moving towards my voice ( no left, no right)

we’re going to make it through this night

 

(bridge)

the things that’d been,

the things that have happened to you-

they didnt win,

which is why now they’re trying to-

to make you sin,

to force on you this crazy load~

you Cant give in,

God’s put you on a different road

 

i know that you can hear my voice (giiirl, i knooow~oh)

i know you’re going to be alright (yes, i know~)

just keep on moving towards my voice ( no left, no right)

we’re going to make it through this night

(oh, you now~)

you know that now you have a choice

can either hide or heal your  heart

God made sure you made it  through for us

and now its time for you to start~

(oh you knoow~)

you know  we’re waiting, all, for you,(all for you)

the ones he’d planned on, from the start (of time)

the ones able to hear your heart,( you’ve got to fight~)

the reasons he gave you your fire.

(oh)

we know you’re going to make it through (we do)

just keep on listening deep inside

and know we walk along with you-(with you)

we’re going to make it through this night~

copyright 2013 Angel Brynner KPM Press/Media

GRISTMILL(Mother’s Milk), a song for EXILE by Angel Brynner 8.10.13.

(very sparse, piano keys held down for 4 counts in a softly rising measure, with light echoing guitar picking at every 4 beats or so & every couplet switch.whatever that means. there are strings, but they’re minimal & woven into the soft ringing of sound in the background. the words are an almost wilting, comforting whisper. the chorus is a dirge-like echo that stays soft but IS authoritative across the music that he is raw across, like he’s comforting a child.it extends down to the third repeat before trailing off. the bridge is the response of the one being healed to the comforting of the comforter.)

Listen to me…

you’re fine~

you were never theirs,

but mine…

i was always there,

beside…

you deserve to be happy,

don’t hide…

AHh~

It’s going to be

okay…

you were never theirs

anyway…

And mark my words~

they’ll pay…

focus on MY love~

today…

AHh

(chorus)

OH

OHHH

OHOH

OHOHOH

OH

OHHH

OHOH

OHOHOH

Baby, don’t break~

again…

Do not break~

just bend…

I’ll always be~

your friend

you will be loved~

in the end-

(bridge)

i was twenty

how she cried out to me

as if she did not see

all that had happened to me.

when it was him,

how her heart did rend,

oh she tried to pretend

but it came out in the end

(Ah

aah)

i knew she knew

what him and this person would do

said i deserved it too

two years past twenty two

but iiii

was three

when it started happening to me

but i knew she could see

so the truth sets me

free~

Ah-

(chorus)

OH

OHHH

OHOH

OHOHOH

OH

OHHH

OHOH

OHOHOH

it’s Okay~

you’ll find…

I’m ahead of you~

and behind…

And Best’d Believe~

I’m not blind…

from the start~

you were mine.

Ah~

(chorus)

OH

OHHH

OHOH

OHOHOH

OH

OHHH

OHOH

OHOHOH

(murmured spoken word closing as the music trails off to just piano echo)

i didn’t even realize it as it came together…

the stone meant truth, & it tried to call itself mother’s tears at first. only after all this,when i remember the tears she cried for my brother being molested that she never cried for me does the peace of the piece make sense. i..i release this. i have to. mother’s milk is nothing to drown into.i’ve now given her the tears she never had in her soul for what she did to me. 

the demons will say”you haven’t released it if you’re still talking about it.” But that’s only because they want you silenced.

it’s only because they want you silenced.

(FIN)

copyright 2013  Angel Brynner KPM Press/media