One of my best friends in life died 10 days ago. Past tense and -she didn’t know this- present tense too.
Now… I have been working on my heart a very long time with God, and I truly feel he sent her to me one more time to help heal aspects I could not have done alone. Her way of simply and sincerely being once we were back in contact gave me wind under my wings that I hadn’t even known I’d needed. But her death? Her death rang loudly into the far reaches of my life and changed everything. There were walls-ruins still up from wars long won and almost forgotten about- that I had healed within. Places I witnessed God going all beauty for ashes with me in regards…but that I had still never left emotionally in a strange way. I kept it moving, I went forth and Got on with the race he had for my life…but in a weird way, I peered out at all of it through the veil of dust still in the air due to battles.
But when she died, she opened this door…and it led to me finding out I was loved more than I ever could have imagined even beyond what she had surprised me with, and that love was 21 years deep. It also led to me finding out that love getting to me was consciously blocked…for decades without my knowing as others smiled in my face as i soldiered on. And it finally revealed the hatred i had never known was at the root of a bizarre, once confusing dissolution that had happened many years ago in life.
But none of this hurt me. Yes… Forgiveness is key. We all know that by now. We all even do it a lot better than we could before. But sometimes God makes sure that the forgiveness you’ve been working on is strong before he reveals to you the monster you never had a clue you had been up against that he had slain for you. It’s like He shored me up with true love to make sure I’d be alright witnessing the hate that had been cloaked beside me all along that I had been utterly oblivious to. So my joy over the actual love would be full. Heather made sure she showed me real love before she left so that I would know what the other was next time, and made sure i’d not be moved by another’s hate that had grown up alongside us. She reminded me of love and put my armor on tight, armed to stand in the fight that I know well as a 12yr old Christian now…but had never grasped was coming for me even 15years ago, prior to being officially pursued by Christ. I had accepted another’s cruelty to me as inexplicable after 20yrs of love for 15 more. Yesterday I was blessed with the inexplicable being explained. She simply consciously came from hate because that was who I had not understood she had become. I never knew from her own mouth she simply hated me & THAT was her why for what she did. & it was like “Oh! wow lol…NOW it makes sense. Thanks for that.”
People do things…and because you think these people are coming from love, its confusing and hurtful.
But when real love shows up…even in its wake as it is heading out the door…you look everywhere with stronger eyes…and the confusion lifts…and you find yourself okay accepting they were coming from hate instead without it hurting at all. You see who they are and “get it…” and the hurt is gone because you accept what you’ve been given the gift to see them for who they may have been the entire time…and peace is made with it. The dance is done.
You look around and the ruins are gone… and you’re in this garden that is up to you to tend to, to do right by…and you get to choose the mulch you are going to nurture your crops with from there on out.