Angelbrynner on Defining Dark Fantasy…

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Portrait of an artist, exploring…space, the final frontier AOLABroad/respite MAY2014

Thanking God for the stars and skies and the grace of all kinds of honored flights.

Two chapters popped out in the midst of much running to and around Miami the other day. God nuzzled me & it was just like whoosh~.

Was it helped by the schlumpy cut-offs and the lurid music tee? Nope. But this IS my first bandeau bikini 🙂 I’m kinda all to infinity and beyond about the whole thing too lol. Who knew?!

-AB

“Put your stones down! It’s not just Florida, dammit!” by Angel Brynner for AOLAB 16FEB2014.

This is getting to me.
For all the wrong reasons.
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I am so tired of the “uproar” over this kind of “A Law let a black kid get killed! wholesale slaughter! they can kill us legally and it not matter!!” mess.
*
Everyone is expressing their fear and hurt, their hate and anger as harbingers scream this is the return to form for this country, and all the battles fought by our grandparents and parents were for nothing because “see! they can still kill  black kids, wholesale! Nothing is done about it! Nothing has changed!”
But Don’t you DARE…ascribe to this bullshit rhetoric.
*
YOU need to calm down and notice the zeal and relish with which this shit is being shouted. They are mind-fucking you…in an area where the Truth has the most blatant ability to set you free. They are trapping you against the very WALLS of your Salvation, aware that for the most part, this Entire generation is blinded from the realities of not only how far we have COME…but the obviousness of where WE are about to take this.
*
Was it racial? OF Course it was. A white racist asshole showing off  the grounds upon which his “manhood” stands for his “fiancé”  gets his props by shooting into a car like a fucking madman after a clatch of black kids went “maaan, fuck you, it’s our music, maaaan~.”
(sound familiar, hippies, metalheads, gothkids?)
*
He got away with murder.  BUT… did his racism grow in a world where he saw us beneath him every day of his life like good niggas of yore? Or was he “surrounded” by kids just like that getting “ahead” of him? Some say “Doesn’t matter.” I feel it matters more than you realize.
*
Because in truth everything has changed.
Even that they told him “fuck you” and kept blasting their stupid-assed music is indicative of that.
*
Are they targeting “our kids”?
Of course they are. But you need to understand that the country that “found” this great land we call America[ nevermind what the people it was stolen from actually called it] had to go out into the great wide open seas not even knowing how to calculate fucking Longitude… after their entire country collapsed due to their kicking out the Moors who had ruled-and graciously- over them for 800 years.
*
We are witnessing deep-seated unspoken of historical precedents here. They went from being the Only light during the “Dark Ages” to the mindset that to Bathe was a barbaric reminder of the Moors they’d ousted without learning HOW they cultivated the lands with such finesse. They thought they were stealing a cornucopia, not realizing the work that went into making that horn thrive. & Look at Spain now. It has never truly recovered, even with all its conquests, land-stealing and the like, Spain as a country still struggles not to be a wasteland, even for its own children.
*
They hated the rulers not because they were bad to them because they were not. The entire chivalric code Europe is so proud of came due to the Moors. They hated them for the color of their skin, the strength of their spirit, and the depths of knowledge they finessed their lands and lives with. Spaniards were so angry at the Moors-who were so pissed to be run out of the only place that had been home for 800 years that you can’t even imagine- that you HAVE to understand that factored into “slavery” being brought to this country.  This is deep-seated raw, negative energy that factored into the birth of this nation. How did they Know of our capacities to work the land until it was bountiful? We’d done it to the places they’d come from.
*
So WHY… are any of you surprised that- as people of all colors are embracing one another and moving forward, a beast such as this knotted around the root of this tree of life that America claims to be for the world would rise up?
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Maybe i’m being a bit too deep for you. Too 12 score and 15years ago about it.
Ok. Let me get pragmatic-
Let me  go “2014” about the whole thing.
*
Do you REALLY think… it is just FLORIDA…that is full of fucked-up people who would put this law on the books that clearly favors vigilantes and assholes pointed at whatever community he feels is no longer disposessed enough?
Well.. it’s not. Just. Florida.
*
Here’s a map.
stand_ground_states
The dark blue equals states where this insidious stand your ground law is ALSO in effect.  The  light blue is some variant of the same. So to everyone talking about how fucked up FLORIDA is due to those using it as a defense, please make sure the state you’re in doesn’t have the same Asshole law on the books first. Because it means in your state people passed the bullshit too.
*
You are not just “marked men” to whatever nut gets mad at the color of your skin in Florida. This is the law of the land in 25 of the United States of America.
*
And this is not some “olden days” law the antagonistic abusers of your grandparents pushed through.
The 25 states that HAVE some variant of this have passed it since 2005.
This is something that has happened-& consciously- in the past ten years.
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We live in a country where laws get stopped on the floor due to all the twisted “extra” stuff some nefarious men and woman have made a cottage industry out of padding said laws with. But I really want you to gain concept of this:
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in 2005, Trayvon Martin was about 6 yrs old, unaware he only had 10 years of life to enjoy. 2005 wasTHREE YEARS BEFORE this country elected its first Black president. That is when states STARTED passing these laws into effect.
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That’s right-During somewhat of a renaissance amongst the black middle class as much of the country skidded towards the recession. Do Not think those laws passing are not insidiously connected to disdain over that.
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BUT…This is not our parents slip up, or the generation before them. The very people who voted for Barack turned a blind eye to this law hitting the books in 25 states. THIS…is Our fuck-up. This is what happens when we don’t pay attention to what they’re passing blatantly, or by hiding it in the folds of legalese behind our backs.
*
But the Truth of it…the very truth that can set us free…
Is that we didn’t even know to look.
We were not even thinking to look deeply at the halls where this shit goes down today just as it has the entire existence of this country. Damn near Everyone  slept through American Civ and American Govt and we all passed, not knowing a damn thing. And that’s said without even getting into the messed up textbooks that factored into that snooze fest across color-lines.
*
Even the celebrities that are decrying this, expressing the wounds many of us feel over this, talking about the terror they have for their kids… are missing prime opportunities to do something unprecedented With their celebrity in regards to this.  Something that the Harry Belafontes and the Ruby Dees  Never had open to them. Can you imagine Eartha Kitt and Nina Simone outfitted with a tool like Facebook when the stands they had to take went down? Do you understand how much of organizing for action is facilitated these days? If  Nike can coordinate a 3am shoe launch slammed with media and teens begging to drop $200 on a new pair of sneakers…surely we can make moves in regards to this “stand your ground law” the likes of which were never possible in the past.
*
But I am not talking sit-ins. I’m kind of an urban hippie~ they’re great…but in this situation it’d just be giving them more ways to instill more fears. We don’t have to go old-school. Our parents fought for us to have the right to go New School and not have to go back to sit-ins again. The capacity of this generation of very well-connected “targeted youth” learning to Hit where they are being struck…is Huge.
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Encourage them to learn how to make this system bow the way the media and marketing departments of Multinationals do. It’s just another machine to be learned. Don’t beat them down with stories of how bad it was…show them what was Won and inspire them that THIS- getting these laws repealed…is where they are being asked to come into this fight.
*
Instead of inspiring our children to live in fear that frankly a lot of my generation did NOT have to experience thanks to the stuff our parent’s parents went through…
What we MUST do… is empower these socially connected kids who SEE the power the media has “given” to their dollars…to learn how to “Work” this field the way our parents inspired us to work whatever realms we were having the cajones to dive into regardless of the color of our skin.  That was our fight. Go where you want to go~ Do what you want to do. Get in there and turn it how You want to. Walk your walk. Race-blocks be damned
*
These kids who are about to be able to vote…can become the manifestation of exactly what so many before us died to give them the opportunity to someday become.
We could have these laws repealed using their very own channels through grassroots organizing in this digitized era in such a short amount of time that it is ridiculous.
*
And “they” KNOW it.
*
It is why Django Unchained got Oscar nods, and 12 Years a Slave too[both deservedly, by the way for utterly different reasons], and also why The Butler, Mandela and maybe even Fruitvale station did not. There is a compacted vision of us that “they” are hanging on at the seams trying to keep presenting to the world.
*
But the world is too busy buying the realities of what people like Oprah and Beyoncé are selling to take that old false presentation as lock, stock and barrel as the world once did regarding our imagined inferiority.
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Which is why you will continue to  see the guerilla-warfare-type tactics used  to keep you enslaved to the pain of the past in relative freedom instead. Because they are losing a war they never thought they’d have to fight.
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Think of it as  The Gainesville play, circa 2014. “If you whip them up in their relative states of servitude until the chains still on them terrify them as they ring in their ears, there will be such a commotion that niggas wont even grasp the concept of the freedoms they technically have.”
*
Teach your kids the power of their vote.
In the most applicable way ever so directly on offer as a challenge.

Educate yourselves and  pass that knowledge down to them.

*

And instead of woe is me-ing, let’s get the fucking laws Off the fucking books and be done with it. Treat this like the small potatoes the brains of these racists actually are and  be done with it.
*
Let this be a shot they will rue the day for letting ring out.
Let all the smug jerks out there, racists  and/or even just cerebrally playing ceremonial white cards in the media crush, along for the ride… let’s teach them to shudder whenever they hear the name Dunn or Zimmerman, upset because he fucked it up for them all.
*
And don’t get it twisted. This is an issue that just made a whole bunch of jerky guys who’d Never be “admitted” to the Old Boys Club…get to strut around as though they got a nominal gift bag from a party they Still wouldn’t be welcome at themselves due to the striations of the race issue crossed with classism in this country.
*
This was not outside of a steakhouse. This didn’t go down in front of the Plaza.
THIS shit…happened at the equivalent of a quickie-mart.
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Don’t let them fool you regarding the real message of this shit-what the media is really spewing across a white America even I do my thing in on a small scale.
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White men are laughing, making snarky comments about killing black kids and it not even being murder one, about getting and not taking their chances.
Even cerebral, funny gringos camped out in places where they are just as marked for being  utterly expendable due to the color of their skin- Mexico, anyone?- are enjoying the one-offs “technically allowed” by the futility of us decrying the situation.
*
And then when called on it, they get a side-bar feather for “having the balls to make the joke from their old boys…who’d be less welcome at the country club  than us…because at least with “us”…we might be bringing “entertainer monies” to the bar…seeing as though we all look alike or something lol.
But that’s the thing that makes it funny.
My generation? The seventies and eighties babies who grew up actually kind of identifying with the Cosby Show on levels that certain sectors of America blanche at the thought of… know that aspect of the beast very well. Many of us went to work in places where they tried to make it about race with our “tokened” selves…but it eventually fell flat and showed itself to be about what it had always been about anyway. Jealousy and wariness of the auspices of  possible entitlement.
*
And let me be clear. There are MANY people of every race who are disgusted by the ruling.
Many.
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…& I thank GOD for that. I thank God for the true goodness still present in many regardless of the color of their skin. I even thank the low-grade morality that bubbles up in the USA  from time to time, when we collectively get” Wrong is Wrong” about stuff.
*
But don’t you ever fail to recognize how it is being marketed to those who need the crutch of racial inferiority to explain why They failed to get where they once dreamed of going.
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But I have to add another layer to that too.
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We are technically not even alone in this fight. Because another reason they have lost the war already is because they disrespected their own offspring quietly as much as they did us, and gave those kids nowhere else to turn.
There are deeper reasons so many are “identifying.”
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Right now, we live in a country where 80% of that abrasive, horrible music the car of those kids got shot into for…is bought by the SONS of men like the jerk who pulled the trigger. In the absence of leadership in the realm of manhood that was supposed to be provided by their fathers…they’ve turned to the men who ALSO made it without their dads. And it Is my “brother”-
The Rapper.
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(And I don’t say that as a buyer of rap. I say it as a full-on rock chick…
who has my own shall we say militancy on the subject of rock N roll… which was Built by yet Another set of white guys looking for semblances of  leadership and virtuosity in a wasteland of father figures…unfortunately to the decimation of the livelihoods of those that inspired them, and the memory of them “wanting to be black men” themselves, as Keith Richards plainly put it…but that’s another post.)
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Rappers have been building out the general mindset of men in this country for a WHILE, in true Griot fashion, whether they are given credit for it or not. That’s been the case for a good 15-20 years now. Understand the implications of that. There’s a group of 10 to 40 year olds who didn’t learn how to maneuver their ways through manhood on the knee of some “Father Knows Best” guy in a Mr. Rogers sweater, sucking on a pipe, demanding his pot roast.
*
No…They turned to the other group of guys who survived and  by hell or high water found every way they could to thrive…for inspiration, advice and dare I say it sonic-balls to step out into a world they felt Just as dispossessed by due to the failings of their fathers. Music showed them there was not the difference they’d been told there was around the dinner table because here were these black guys from the hood somehow peering into the  bat-shit crazy stupidities these white boys were facing down Every single DAY out in suburbia, if their parents had even gotten the “chance” to flee to, fiscally.
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But THAT…from this vantage point…makes for a very special sort of powder-keg.  It’s the button that pushed Obama into office once it was spoken directly to in both directions. The inspirers and the inspired.  We just need to learn how to do it at the local level and the state level like we have shown- together- that we were about at the executive level.
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THAT means We can fix this mess by turning up and demanding this be changed across the board. Don’t cry me a river.
Campaign to remove the laws from the books. Show me the fucking money.
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Yes! You’re being called on!
But not to cry… If you graduated from high school after 1972 you have Nothing to bemoan in relation to those who died before you for all this.
*
But you-
NOW-
you’re being called on to learn how to use the force
that is within you on the grounds of being 18 and born in this Great-assed  country that IS America, regardless of the color of your skin.
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Mothers, don’t fear.  Don’t be shocked into teaching your children to have a fear that God didn’t make you have due to what your forefathers did for you. Teach your children to vote. Up their participation in this fight.
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Show your kids that this has happened due to US sleeping through American Govt in high school on the heels of a cultural revolution in our country, apologize…and show them tangible ways to make Whatever the racist intent is with the mess be technically the Moot point it already is spiritually.
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And that…concludes my Sunday broadcast.
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Also Known As: Everybody put your fucking stones DOWN, put your fucking voter registration cards IN the fucking mailbox, & get to the polls instead.
Better Known As: It’s NOT JUST FUCKING FLORIDA,DAMMIT
…said with Love.
*
Sincerely,
AB
[written from one of those states shadowed by the stand your ground law]

Bread & Circuses. AOLAB ETHEREAL Aftermath #16. 29JAN2014

So much of the drama we go through regarding food is purely learned behavior with no basis in the reality of what we physically actually need, like all things we have the capacity to do to the pornographic hilt.

I was thinking absently about  being lazy and just ordering from one of the other breakfast cooks on-site. I sat & watched that thought go to a sandwich called a butty that he does with bacon & egg. & hm’d on this, my final fish day of this week.

Then I went “well I have my own bread & eggs, maybe later so *yawn’*…windsurf[get on line]” (& for the record, I won the whole being lazy thing because I postponed even making this decision until like 1245pm on this day off 🙂 )” I log in & a handful of posts from pages are referencing baconheadisms-of which I used to be a very vocal member. & they were funny. like, snort-funny, but the timing of them hitting had me still in this odd observe mode. I felt receptors going “Yes! Bacon! See~!it’s right there again! bacon!” but the tonality of it was so much higher than my actual hunger that it just was kinda weird.

In the end, when I finally got mojo’d up to go eat it was more a desire for this new bread i’d found than anything else. I couldn’t order the butty because they were my eggs & to also give him the bread was the equivalent of a fat husband in the 70s yelling at his browbeaten wife to make him a sandwich.  I scrambled up some eggs, toasted the last normal piece of miche I had & sprinkled some mozzarella on it, piled on the eggs italian-style & tossed pepper, more mozz & sharp cheddar across them. the heel- which was like…imagine a robust dark hunk of moist, springy baguette- was smeared with sweet cream butter &,when I got upstairs, blessed with buckwheat honey alongside the virgin chai i’d warmed up[no dirty, filthy, sexy shot of espresso today. Rations, baby. I REFUSE to got through more than ONE can of illy a month on home use. Just below the radars of addiction lol].Yep. Heaven on flipping Earth.

It was only after this ecstasy had relaxed into me & was having ways with my person that I remembered i’d actually had a piece of bacon yesterday- I’d made beef Pho from scratch & used a gutted & slashed bacon-wrapped  tenderloin as the beef…using the bacon to get the bottom started off right. The memory of it was being toyed with by the possibilities around today, but had nothing to do with what I was really craving.

Which brings us back from the circus of phony taste sensations to the bread…which was obtained at a circus. On January 27th Martial Law quietly went into effect in the hearts and minds of however many people actually LIVE in New Orleans, thanks to the  nuts at the major news outlets who screamed that the end of the world was coming for us in the bayou. End of the world meaning “One to three inches of snow accumulation is expected for tonight due to Snowstorm Leon.”

Being from Cleveland, it went in one ear & out the other. Folks can barely drive down here in the humidity, so the idea of them dealing with an inch of snow was more comical than anything else. I went about my errands, one of which had been to pick up some interim basics from Rouses.

Ok. Not true. Truth-telling? I’d had caciucco stew for breakfast, and the craving for smoked Salmon that i’d put off prepping for the day before UTTERLY CONSUMED ME. Now That, unlike the bacongate of this morning was a true craving, Consumptive, mind-altering, inner-children falling out crying to their boyfriends all over the place. now…I’ve been Hungry before. I’ve been young chick in nyc on fumes hungry before. But This LOX mess that nailed me Monday was a Monster. It was funny- but I was like “Dammmmmmn~!” finally getting what Chocolate cake can do to folks lol.

The guardian my innerchild had been mopey-crying to picked us up & carried us out the house to run errands in the aftermath of finding out that the ONLY SPOT IN NOLA THAT DOES A FOR REAL BAGEL & LOX WAS closed on Mondays. It was all a blur up until the post office, a few blocks downwind of the last place i’d had a subpar bagel & nova conglomeration AND Rouses. I hedged my bets & picked Rouses, opting to pay to play a riff than to pay to be played by a rip-off.

They were blasting Janet Jackson’s Pleasure Principle as I was rolling thru the aisles trying not to dance TOO much primarily because the aisles were CLOGGED full of folks. Polite ones. but just a LOT of bodies. No way to go “sailing” without running into an old lady in a motor-cart. I kept absently going to myself “Why are so many people here at 3pm on a Monday? Is it the 1st?’ stuff like that. I guess I wasn’t noticing the ones running past like muppets looking for water or carts- I was too busy imagining the thing I was gonna do to that smoked salmon. I get in line-10 or less, baby!-& two other cholas roll up behind me, one holding all 10 of her items in her hands, struggling.

I offered the top of my cart &, chatty, I went “Every one & their mom is here today, huh?” She said” Thanks! Yeah, there were no carts when I got here.”

I was shocked.  “Why?”

“Because of the storm~” the chola behind her said.

I looked around with new eyes in awe as it sunk in. They were LOSING their flipping MInds in every other checkout aisle. Completely sold, hook, line, sinker. “Blizzard proportions. All is Lost. Save Yourselves!!” written on the panicked trying to be polite visages all around us.

“Temperature is supposed to drop from this 60 to 20 tonight~” said one of the women, who’d come out to make sure she had pita chips to nosh on through it.

“It’s CRAZY:O)! I moved from Kansas City to avoid this & looks like I got move further south lol.” she said, also with simple, easy-breezy things to chill at home with. I was suddenly very glad i’d grabbed a bottle of pinot noir for my “magazine-in” that night.

I headed back to the commune, warning co-workers- all of us from up north- to go get stuff because these people had lost their ever loving minds & thought the end of the world was coming. I’d gone to bed thinking i’d be waking up to all kinds of wintry- shit I didn’t come down here for- wonderland mess.  Naan a flake fell overnight. When I got up I found out they’d ALL thought ” eh~” & headed into the fray at different intervals. The responses from the frontlines later in the day were hilarious.

“It was Like Armageddon!!!-”

“There was not a can of tomatoes left at rouses by 7pm. No mustard, 1 beat-up pepper-”

“Apocalypse now-”

“If you hear it’s going to snow for two days & you have to do THIS to Rouses because you have NO food in your house, you need to rethink how you live lol!”

But we all laughed at how our families would probably do the same thing if they said “Hurricane in Pennsylvania.” Everyone was comically disgusted by how Heart of Darkness the whole storm had been hyped.

Wait-OMG- this was About bread!

ok- but I had to describe the circus said bread was stumbled upon in. I’d warily grabbed a loaf of Pepperidge Farm Rye from the packaged bread section because it had the shortest list of ingredients-2.5″ instead of like 3″- foodbabe would’ve been shaking me because she’d just posted something on them that I couldn’t fully remember so I tossed the sale loaf in my cart. I had a wine budget & got a great deal which made me dance a bit down towards the in-house bakery section. I absently got drawn to this odd pack-it was the earlier mentioned Old World Miche- & what i’d saved on the wine was the difference between it and the PF, price-wise. BUT…it was Organic, locally produced…and had a line and a half of ingredients, all that I could spell, say & recognize as actual foodstuffs.

It’s the best bread I’ve had since I got to town the first time in 2008. Not just here. This bread was even better than the bread in Montreal- Montreal has some GREAT bread[props]. And there was a stint IN nyc between 2008 & now. Nothing to outdo it in this era. The name of the place is  Breads on Oak. Adding that to the Best Baguette I’ve had in  NOLA since I’ve been here from Gracious Bakery… Now… we got a show going on!

In the end, no snowstorm. But I had roast beef & eggs for breakfast & made Pho from scratch for lunch. And when I almost gave up my wildcard meal for an absently unconscious makeshift roast-beef sandwich[on Miche w/tatsoi & spicy mustard] dinner last night, i’d caught myself, tossed the beef back in the freezer & pulled out a veggie burger to stay the course. & it was delicious. I Even got to approach working a double like Tina Turner in Mad Max beyond the Thunderdome, which was mighty cool in a house full of disgruntled, stranded guests yowling “but there’s Nooo Snow~” after all flights, buses & trains were cancelled.

thunderdome

I’m sure the cooking with love was going on hardcore across the parishes in households full of kids out of school until Friday, all hunkered down with comfort bowls of gumbo and jambalaya in front of all kinds of reality TV and the weather channel, expectant, hopeful & terrified all at the same time. Because another thing brought up by a co-worker was his friend who was born and raised here who’d seen snow twice in his life and not until his twenties. In a weird way…it reminds me of the renewed surprise of the taste of beef after making it special again. I personally KNOW a two-year old who just got to make her first snowman ever. With what fell yesterday. Eventually. You forget the memories you take for granted until they are reframed & you get to see someone still able to enjoy what you have made your way through all the way.

It doesn’t mean I need to go make a snow angel. There’s NO Snow, for one lolol. But why deny them the joyful, albeit utterly over the top dramatic madness of preparing for the opportunity to get to make their 1st snowballs ever?  We had our wintry campiness in Cleveland four months out of every Year if we were Lucky to not have six. Going to school in two feet of it, cussing, for twelve years…being in the bathroom listening to WZAK hopefully, dangling over the heater as you looked out the window at White fn Madness you KNEW Somebody was going to Have to shovel, thanking GOD for big Brothers & Fathers to be the first guard on that shit… feeling sorry for parents running out the house at 7am Just to turn ON the cars so they could heat up while they got ready for work….it being too cold to shovel or go to school, but the first thing done as SOON as the parents hit the road for work & we’d climbed Leisurely out of bed & gorged on  cereal…was snow-suiting up to go lay in the snow & wave arms and legs like mental patients trying to make the biggest wings…Trudging over to “The Hill,” armies of puffy snow-suit people with all kinds of sleds dragging behind them to fling themselves like madmen into what we all damn knew was a flipping Ravine in the center of the city, the adults acting crazier than us as they tumbled down to cement breakers padded with three months plus fresh snow…

Two women run down Mountain Avenue in a snowstorm.

If you haven’t had to wear TWO snow suits, an undercoat, an overcoat, a scarf that was gonna get wet from your breath hidden under the wraps of the secondary scarf to keep the wind out, a hat Under the hood of the first coat peeping up out of the collar of the secondary coat, gloves, mittens on top of gloves, two pairs of your own socks then a pair of winter socks from the truck at your dad’s factory job… a backpack with a trapper keeper and all kinds of books, lunchbox and a change of shoes…then had to RUN for the bus-stop, leaping over hurdles of shoveled drive-way snow left by people with cars who clearly forgot kids had to walk to the bus on things called sidewalks or get slowly plowed by frickin sludge-driving angry adults refusing to be late for work  due to stopping to pick up padded kids they’d slow-motion slid into like bowling pins…then climbed up the stairs of buses like you were atop Mount Everest… & proceeded to want to gang up & off the BusDriver for blasting the heat from a place of pure evil, knowing full well you and all your bad-assed little friends that drove them crazy all year were ROASTING in the parental layers you’d been suited up in… crowds of overheated children stumbling off the bus at school and collapsing into steaming piles in the snow before heading in to class…that one kid  dumb enough to take off layers cussing as he got shoved off the bus jacketless…

…Then you haven’t been blessed with the joys of being a kid in a place that gets Real Great Lakes right over there is Canada…winter lol.

yeah…Let them make the possibilities of their first snows a circus if they want to.

Strange days, interesting times, as long as we have our bread and circuses we’ll be fine.

-A.B.

p.s.,

for the breads I was chirpy about, check them out here:

http://graciousbakery.com/  & http://www.breadsonoak.com/Menu.html

You can pick up Gracious Bakery breads at the Hollygrove Urban Farm and Market, and Breads on Oak at the Mid-city Rouses in addition to their home locations.

“Old World Miche/ The classic Medieval French bread even before the baguette, Miche is a country sourdough made from organic high extraction flour and an organic rye, wild-yeast starter. It has a delicious, thick, crunchy crust with an airy interior. In the 12th century, the pistores (boulangers) baked them in communal ovens. The deep crust protects the soft, moist interior.”

“The LIFE and DEATH of God, being forgiven AND forgiving him,” OR “the wages of TRUE RECOGNITIONS and Sincerely Accepted Apologies across the board in both directions. by Angel Brynner.

aurora-2

IF...

If GOD really was Inside of Jesus the entire time…

If you really think about it, it makes what happened at the end all the more spectacular when you think about HOW the world plays out  regarding evil & good.

I mean, God repeatedly says through the books of the prophets that HE made both good and evil. So those who say an earthquake is an act of God…that we dismiss these days as parochial…whether they know it or not…are lining up with the “word,” even if it is in a skewered way. But That’s a whole other post. Let’s stay the course on this Jesus thing.

So…the most high God “sends his son”…who grows up to say “if you’ve seen me, you have seen the father because we are literally the same thing”…& has his “Son” who is really Himself…walk through all the shit he ALLOWS to happen in this system of his called planet earth.

& in the climax of it[not the actual end, tho it looked like it & many thought[some to this day think] it was… the guy-Jesus…when it gets close to the full-on…is sweating blood in a garden, begging his father not to make him go through with what, up in heaven, had been decided long ago was the only course reconciliation could take place down.  &then he  goes through with it.

But what did he “really go through with?”

IF GOD was IN Jesus as it ALL went down at the climax- the false accusations, the imprisonments, the beatings, the flagellating, the crowds that had cheered him INTO the city turning on him, demanding his death, the plots against him, the lies, the friends deserting him, the family standing off, nobody standing with him-

like…it’s ONE thing for it to be God up in Heaven watching his Son go through an intensive course of what the BRUNT of folks on this planet Go through due to the evil he not just Allows on earth, but himself says repeatedly is of him as much as the good… to finally FEEL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE US GOING THROUGH THE HELL HE ALLOWS IN THE SYSTEM.

THAT IN & OF ITSELF… speaks to a slew of things that i wont even go into concerning god’s ability to understand…and too have mercy on us.

But ….To see it as GOD HIMSELF WAS INSIDE JESUS…AS IT ALL WAS GOING DOWN?

IF you really think about it, it GETS TO BRAINS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Really think about what that means.

GOD didnt JUST subject his child to this fucked up system.
There are too many potholes in the salvation tied to that one that MANY have fallen into….like “what’s the point of being his kid if he even had CHRIST go through this shit?”

GOD subjecting HIMSELF to all that rage & abuse?
At the hands of men Motivated by the Satan that it comes down to HE created?

Paul writes about God being reconciled to us, & implores us to be reconciled to God.

What if what Christ was really about was GOD saying “I’m sorry” to all of us, in regards to the system he designed that UNTIL christ came there was no real way to survive or overcome due to the Evil HE built into its framework by not offing Satan?

What if That factors into what the whole”refer back to the cross”
& “The cross settles it” is really about?

What if Christ going through it was God going through what we go through & THAT is why Jesus is always there when we go into that throne-room, to remind God?

“Father, Remember what they live thru in that system of Ours down there…”

…and throughout the scriptures we see even an ALL-knowing God still needing to be put into remembrance by those he dearly loves of various things HE’d said…

I always had an uncomfortable irk about the whole “they killed God. He came here & they[we] killed him.” Even with him being resurrected.

Even with seeing how bad my life “could’ve been”, and how “Blessed” it has been in comparison to some of the lives i’ve seen decimated by evil along the way…
I STILL have moments of “How could you have LET “This”[now] or “That”[then] happen to me if you love me,if i am yours?”

Today, i am just getting this whole “refer back to the cross, it settles ALL of it” on another level.

It’s not God brushing off OUR suffering.
It’s not even him saying “ok!look at what i put my own son through,”
or”Look at what i had to Watch my own son go through,”

…in the weirdest way today, i feel like on top of everything ELSE Jesus stands for…for the first time in my life i received a sense of God being sorry for the pain WE go through in his system, then have to struggle to believe in him and for him on the other side of.

if Christ “TAKING IT”
WAS REALLY GOD tasting it…
if the murder of Jesus was so violent because it REALLY WAS THE RECONCILIATION WITH us…that the Bible SAYS it is…

IF God made it sooooo bad to be the horrible equivalent of what some humans walk through variations of everyday…

If every lash of that cat o nine tails was for the kids that get molested in his system, if every punch that rained down on him was for every woman that gets abused or abandoned in his system, if THAT is where the fervor demonically was fanned up from, if the Devil was using what was done to Christ as the final condemnation of the system HE felt He got ejected from…but even the devil Himself didnt recognize it was GOD himself Inside of the Jesus he KNEW from before He got kicked out of heaven…

& those trapped in the system with the beast he threw down INTO the system out of Heaven when he got tired of it, that ONLY wants to torture us due to HOW God saw & defined us when he first made us….BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF THE EMBODIMENT OF THE CREATOR OF THE SYSTEM THEY WERE INEXTRICABLY TRAPPED WITHIN, as the aforementioned beast stood in the shadows, cheering them on for doing something HE personally could not physically do.

It was a trampling underfoot to the fucking Death of the God who made the system…

but it was the ONLY WAY HE COULD RECONCILE THAT SYSTEM BACK TO HIMSELF…

IT JUST blows your mind.

& it makes sense of the other half of that “God has reconciled himself to you all! now YOU be reconciled to God!”

He admits in what he lets Christ go through that this fucking system sucks.

Even in all the reasons we will Never understand because HIS thoughts aren’t ours & HIS ways aren’t ours…that Justify him setting the system up AS such…even GOD himself sees the suckiness in what we have to battle against in it.
But Christ…OVERCAME IT.

& CHRIST….IS THE ONLY WAY to oVERCOME IT.

It makes bone-deep sense of the whole Christ is literally the ONLY door out of this system. The only way to walk through is via the one who walked through…who knew HOW to walk through…because HE designed the entire thing.

…Think of it like Zelda, or something.

…simplifying it a bit.

 

want to delve deeper?…read this:

http://www.askelm.com/doctrine/d031002.htm#_ftnref1

“DOMA and the great deception,” by Angel Brynner.

There are some things on my heart to say that can never be unsaid, that many will not understand. And even knowing that the core of those who know EXACTLY why this is on my heart in this manner WILL understand doesn’t make it easier to be on the cusp of walking down this particular road alone. But maybe that was God’s reasoning behind keeping me as such. So that when the time came to Make the decision to speak out, i would be strong enough to walk it out.

You have been duped. They have marketed you a lie to justify them sweeping under the rug the truth of what has happened to 100% of you when physically and emotionally is taken into consideration. & you have bought it hook,line & sinker instead of dealing with the work. You have been convinced that Love can make the truth out of a lie, and championed a lie to the hilt instead of realizing that LOVE is TRUTH.

What i have just witnessed this weekend-this media broadcasting of rejoicing of many of my brothers and sisters-this celebration of this “victory” has broken my heart. And it is my ONLY hope that the absence of celebration amongst my big brothers in here, who have TOLD me their truths, who have buckled down & DONE the work that ALL of us who go through that unspeakable shit as children HAVE to do to even begin to fathom the concept of wholeness being able to be a goal…my only hope is that the lie that this is the answer has not infected all.

Instead of institutionalizing the jailing of child predators,
Instead of creating a law that sincerely protects the rights of children from predatory adults, Instead of institutionalizing severe reprimands for emotionally and/or physically cannibalizing your own offspring for sport…

I have just watched my country INSTITUTIONALIZE the continued raping of adults not dealing with their scars from CHILDHOOD sexual, physical & emotional abuse. Instead of saying the adults who introduced you to this shit are wrong, the collective cowardice of this country has opted to say “Instead of punishing those who RAPED YOU as children,who abandoned you as children, who tried to destroy you as children…we will honor your attempts to cleave to whatever…and in the same breath, we are going to give away your voting rights so when THIS Shit fucks you up even more, you can do Nothing democratic about it.”

You cheer the kids strong enough to say they are gay in 11th grade in the media as a way to gloss over how you ignored his cries for help at age four from what his Uncle or big brother was doing to him.

You high-five the adult female who has finally found love with a woman-& its even a good, real love…but you say Nothing on the shit she went through at the hands of men & women,boys & girls growing up that made this the only option for her to have outside of eternal absence of the experience of love in her life.

Instead of curing the true disease-which is an infection in how we allow people to cannibalize each other- you debut your newest band-aid.

“Maybe if they can marry, they will shut up and wont think to push any child protective laws forward in regards to what we can sic on the kids down the road.”

My heart aches for the MEN trapped in full-on Loveless relationships with other men, locked in a place that silently mirrors shit they went through growing up with deadbeat dads…who can now at Least MARRY the assholes they’ve agreed to let continue to abuse them and/or objectify them, or monetize them. They are no different from the teenaged girls who marry the guy who beats the stuffing out of them like they watched their dad do to their mom. It just gets more metaphoric.

But at least now there may be a bigger payoff at the end of the road if you survive his assholic behavior. NOW he can beat you to within an inch of your life…but a judge may award you the House in the divorce…that has to be retrofitted with ramps because your ass can no longer walk.

But all of us are fucked.
One way or another.

Because we are all going to be witness to the carnage of it until the one begging to help all of us overcome the fucked shit factored into this world shows up & shows the fuck out on behalf of those courageous enough, even weary enough…to actually try giving it to him. Watching your friends choose to be pulled apart by dogs is as traumatizing as blindly choosing to subject yourself to it. Which is what many don’t even realize they are doing.

You’re being set up. The very love that you have found, that you have had to cobble together from the ashes left by the defective humans who set out to hurt you like they’d been hurt, patched together due to the indifference of the adults who came before you & the skewered  attempts to help by those who are adults alongside you without dealing with the root issue can be used to destroy your chances at ANY TRUE joy in life.

And those working this shit on you from levels you are too caught up to even fathom KNOW this, count on this, and are aiming at stealing exactly THAT chance for TRUE Joy with this fucked up band aid. They don’t want you healed. They want you herded. They know where the road you are on leads, and like the cow…its all about the easiest delivery of the meat in the end.

2 Thessalonians 2:9-12

Amplified Bible (AMP)

The coming [of the lawless one, the antichrist] is through the activity and working of Satan and will be attended by great power and with all sorts of [pretended] miracles and signs and delusive marvels—[all of them] lying wonders—

10 And by unlimited seduction to evil and with all wicked deception for those who are perishing (going to perdition) because they did not welcome the Truth but refused to love it that they might be saved.

11 Therefore God sends upon them a misleading influence, a working of error and a strong delusion to make them believe what is false,

12 In order that all may be judged and condemned who did not believe in [who refused to adhere to, trust in, and rely on] the Truth, but [instead] took pleasure in unrighteousness.

love =truth.

The truth is not that you do or don’t Love this guy beside you.

We are ALL MADE FOR LOVE IN EVERY DIRECTION.

The TRUTH is you got raped by your uncle, tried to tell your father, who was probably doing shit to your uncle growing up because of shit that was done to him…and now your father’s rabid reaction to your “disgraceful” behavior that You have to wear like an A on your chest…is REALLY about the HIDDEN generational family curse of  uncle to nephew or even grandmother to grandson-however it goes down & it goes down ALL ways SUDDENLY COMING TO LIGHT WITH YOU “COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET.” So they all get to Hate you and the “disgusting” things you do…but its really about the light you shed on what they’ve all agreed to hide. So the ENtire thing is fucked over from the root, even your trying to FIND it from the fucked blueprints you were handed or tried to make with what you have knowledge of.

So which way, in a situation like that can one NOT be damned?

…we are all fucked without the only one who overcame all the madness consciously factored into this fucked up world.  And some of us deal with the fact on a daily basis that even With him, it still manifests more as a going through it thoroughly until its gone than an instant spiriting away.

Not in ANY other religious book on this PLANET does the God  running  the writing of said religion[& manual] BLUNTLY SAY:


“If anyone causes one of these little ones–those who believe in me–to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

better known as:

“But whoever causes the downfall of one of these little ones who believe in Me–it would be better for him if a heavy millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the sea!”

aka:

But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in and [a]acknowledge and cleave to Me to stumble and sin [that is, who entices him or hinders him in right conduct or thought], it would be better ([b]more expedient and profitable or advantageous) for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be sunk in the depth of the sea.

Woe to the world for such temptations to sin and influences to do wrong! It is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the person on whose account or by whom the temptation comes!

Matthew 18:6-7 amplified.

THAT is what GOD SAYS…NOT “we are just going to marry that away.” He says there is retribution against those who harm you as children. from Heaven. & you need to recognize you are loved enough to believe for THAT kind of Love, not one that takes you back to the moment when you were first raped time& time again as an expression of the only love you’ve been convinced you are worthy to receive here.

& YES! THAT includes THE FUCKED UP PRIESTS & ALL WHO HELPED THEM MOLEST KIDS WHO HAVE SHOWN AND PROVED THEY ARE OF THE SYNAGOGUE OF SATAN THAT THE VERY BIBLE THEY  FOUGHT AGAINST YOU EVER HAVING ACCESS TO FROM THE VERY BEGINNING CALLS THEM OUT AS BEING.

And there are are MANY who know the truth of this LIFE, even from the inside of the sham, who just smile as new”converts” charge into the fray, causing frenzies. Why should these young ones fare any better than the older ones did? Why should Anyone speak up outside the marketing ploy to tell these kids who think this is the answer the truth of what the “Life” is like?

Nobody “SAVED” them. why should they save anyone else?

It’s all “Fuck over your neighbor like you have been fucked over yourself.”

“yeah…but Matthew 18:6-7 is talking about Kids..things done to kids. I’m 49 years old. it’s too late for me.”

WRONG. The VERY verses before it in Matthew 18 Have Jesus saying “Become as little kids again so you can even RECEIVE the blessing that IS the Kingdom of Heaven.”

18 At that time the disciples came up and asked Jesus, Who then is [really] the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?

And He called a little child to Himself and put him in the midst of them,

And said, Truly I say to you, unless you repent (change, turn about) and become like little children [trusting, lowly, loving, forgiving], you can never enter the kingdom of heaven [at all].

Whoever will humble himself therefore and become like this little child [trusting, lowly, loving, forgiving] is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

And whoever receives and accepts and welcomes one little child like this for My sake and in My name receives and accepts and welcomes Me.

From a Whole other angle that many of you reading this KNOW i believe…

Those children you WERE you still ARE or he wouldn’t have even made a point to say it as such. The child inside you is not dead. He is not asking you for a miracle of regeneration reviving the child that was killed by life…He is asking you to have faith that the child who had no problem seeing HIM…is still in you, whether you are 19, 49 , 52 or 73.

You are dragging that little kid version of yourself into bed with that person to watch you have done or do what was done to him or her again & again, trying your Damnedest to Make that act OK…but it is Never going to be okay to that child because it should’ve Never Happened to that child. It is the Truth of What happened to him or her, yes. But it Never should have.

And I am not talking about exploration. i repeat we are ALL made for LOVE. A little boy doesn’t Only Love his mom. he loves his PARENTS when given the healthy chance to. But everything is so fucked up that instead of addressing the fathers who were allowed to silently dial out in this world dominated by the wiles of men and the carnage that creates…we’re championing the perversion of Men knowing in their heart they deserve to love fully. Why do you think so many couples are fighting for the right to be fathers now? because what they’d been told would be the answer didn’t address the true wound. It still comes down to a hollowness over being even equipped or given the chance to BE a better father than you have had.

I feel like i am watching people try SO Hard to heal, but because no one is looking at the route, every turn taken builds the stronghold even more. DOMA…though i “get” it… Is NOT addressing the real issue.

The real issue is that LOVE matters.

LOVE MATTERS.

& getting trapped in the lies that call itself it…only make matters worse.

BUT…what if you DID it?

What if YOU were one of those who ABUSED growing up? What if you are one of those who the Millstone he talks about is set aside for as a better road than the road to what HE has in store for you?

#1…couldn’t that even explain what you are subjecting yourself TO time& time again?

#2. It all depends…you’ve been “at it”, laying beside that pool for 38 years, waiting for some lesser God to stir up the waters so you can be “Healed” by the Love they speak of, at least around that there pool, a kind of love only ONE in like a million of you all ever actually gets healed by[at least so you’ve all heard]..laying there IN IT, sick… dumping all kinds of drugs in you to protect you from the infectious reality of it…make it not literally & physically hurt as much as it really does…

and when finally Asked the real question…

by the real one who can heal you point-blank…

what is your answer?

The question is “Do you even want to be healed?”

Are you going to look around at this dead life you lay in and call it for what it is?

“I have no friends to Help me in to Get Healed”

bluntly read as “None of these motherfuckers laying around with  me give a fuck about me being healed.”

Yeah, that is truth.& TRUTH will set you free when it is grasped. but that’s not the answer to the question. because it is Not about THEM. He is asking your ass Do YOU want to BE healed.

If you do want to be healed…& you have been doing this shit- have DONE this shit to others… whether you have poetically stayed abused Or YOU have been the abuser…and find yourself trapped… STILL abusing, or maybe being the bottom like its some sort of phony penance-and rue the day of your death almost as much as your thinly veiled pain regarding the reality of your actual daily life….

the question is still that same simple question.

and it still needs to be answered, no matter what the perversion is that is blocking you.

Do you even WANT to be Healed?

Because WHEN you do…

God says it time & time again.

CONFESS IT & REPENT OF IT & YOU WILL BE FORGIVEN OF IT.

CONFESS= ADMIT YOU DID IT TO GOD, & that you know NOW that it is wrong. This is not about what you knew before when it began. He was with you when it began. He knows the whole thing.He asks you to confess what you know right in that moment you come to him. this is the right now saving  moment,the from here on out nexus point we are talking about.

REPENT= GET THE FUCK UP-STOP WALLOWING IN IT- STOP DOING THE SHIT, TURN COMPLETELY AWAY FROM IT & DO THE OPPOSITE OF THAT.

FORGIVEN = HE TAKES IT AS FAR AS EAST IS FROM WEST FROM YOU.

Where am i getting THAT from?

From here:

John 5

New King James Version (NKJV)

A Man Healed at the Pool of Bethesda

5 After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew, Bethesda,[a] having five porches. In these lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed, waiting for the moving of the water.

For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had.[b] Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?”

The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.”

Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your bed and walk.” And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked.

And that day was the Sabbath. 10 The Jews therefore said to him who was cured, “It is the Sabbath; it is not lawful for you to carry your bed.”

11 He answered them, “He who made me well said to me, ‘Take up your bed and walk.’”

12 Then they asked him, “Who is the Man who said to you, ‘Take up your bed and walk’?” 13 But the one who was healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had withdrawn, a multitude being in that place. 14 Afterward Jesus found him in the temple, and said to him, “See, you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon you.”

15 The man departed and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had made him well.

*********

You have to believe GOD CAN heal the entirety of the thing.

& you have to know that it is possible your healing IN it is going to be challenged with every step you take AWAY from it. But you gotta keep taking those steps. Away from it.

does that mean its all over?

…No.

There ARE going to be people- sometimes the Very people who are Supposed to be rejoicing at you being healed…who are going to show themselves & who they really serve by being pissed at your “getting away.” They are going to come for you, angry.

And you are going to have to keep walking.

His word says IF we confess the sins of it and turn from it he is mighty to save us. All hell may[& usually does] break loose when we try to walk that out after believing his word. But it’s happening as an afterthought temper tantrum over you being snatched out of hell by a clear decision of your own. & it is GOING to be a battle. One that many times you will feel like you are walking through utterly alone.

I honestly do not know HOW it is all going to end other than with Christ in victory. I am standing on his word that says that his forgiveness is real. For myself and many others who are smack dab in the middle of trying it out, trying to see if he REALLY IS GOOD….

…but what it comes down to is you’re not happy caught up in the lie of it anyway, and that loneliness is BETTER than the lie being lived…BECAUSE at least once you make the step, you & that inner child YOU just chose to save have access to something so Holy …and it is something that will Never leave you once you take that leap of faith.

…&yes, even those who abuse have inner children that NEED to be saved just as much as those of the people they victimize.

In the END…God doesn’t want ANYONE to Perish.

& in the end we ALL have targets on our backs.

But we gotta get real about the fact that there is SOMETHING woven into this world we live in that stands in direct opposition to God wanting Everyone he made to get HOME.

And the Devil has perverted Every thing he could get his hands on so you cant even “see” the reality of actual love. Including the flesh of many of us.

One wins by the number of Lives saved.

One acts like he is going to win according to the pile of corpses &zombies he racks up.

There are some of you i know are walking this out.

I KNOW you’re struggling trying to “break free.”But it’s really waking up to the realization that you ARE free and “it” is doubling back trying to “break” you.

I KNOW it is HARD to not fall back into it as everything around you seems set to encourage you to backslide into the lie-fe-style.

So much can rear up trying to convince you that your life was better then, that you moved in more power when you were Under it… Usually showing up like the hordes that poured out of Egypt WITH the chosen ones who down the road spoke so much shit about their past being better than freedom that they got wiped out and all they infected had to die off before their kids could even attempt to enter the promised land they’d only been 12 days away from 40 years down the road.

But its worth noting that God didnt “kill the ones that belonged to him” off. Which he easily could have like he did to the rabble. He let them walk out the lives of despair they chose to cling to. Which messes with me…but i see even his mercy there.

If you are his…you are his…even in the wilderness.& even though sometimes YOU can’t see the difference, mired in the the shit you’re in…God always KNOWS those who are really his no matter what they are enslaved in.

It is my love for my COURAGEOUS big brothers who have been marching this shit out in private that MAKES me HAVE to speak up.

The ones DOING the work are sweating Blood to stay the course as EVERYTHING around them seems to be out for blood in opposition to that victory.

Besides all this that i have posted, this plea  to wake up that i have written, all i can offer is what i hear in my head when it gets tough as Hell to live the life assigned as my race here.

“Walk it out.”

That’s the rhema word i hear from God all the time when it gets tough.

put down another foot in the right direction. & it gives me hope-& reminds me that certain shit has no place “in.” because of who i have given the fight over to.

It’s a race. sometimes we can sprint, run, coast…or walk.

Sometimes God has to carry us, and sometimes he has to pick us up & just hold us after we’ve all but crumpled to the ground in despair over the course of this race.

But if you have the slightest inkling…if this does not sound Stupid to you…if you “feel me”

…if it is not foolishness to you… then God is angling for you and there IS hope in your race too. Just Walk it out. With him.

Because there is some shit residing within you that God never wanted to be inside of you. There are things you repeatedly let inside of you that God never meant to be inside of you.

There is shit in you that you can walk OUT of you…for good…

if you can drop the act and admit that your solution to the wounds of your past have Failed. it still hurts.it still is not addressed-it still is not cleaned out & redressed so it can truly heal…and instead it is gaining victory over the most intimate parts of you.

God CAN & WILL help you if you sincerely want & ask to be healed.

Or he can love you enough to watch you die in your choice not to be healed of it because you are his and he is going to honor your choice to die in lieu of doing the work to live.

Bluntly said.